Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Hello. My name is Marie and I'm a competition reality show junkie.

Recently, I had someone so diplomatically ask me what my "ridiculous obsession with American Gladiators" was all about. I corrected them that it was not so much the AGs itself, but all competition reality shows. But then I realized that this obsession came about through watching the original AGs in my youth, so then the antelopes ate the grass, and we are all connected in the great circle of multi-media entertainment life.

Imagine it: 1992. Saturday mornings, I would sit my eleven year old bum down on the old scratchy white couch in the family room with a bowl full of Cracklin' Oat Bran. Flipping past such shows as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Captain Bucky O'Hare and the Toad Wars, Captain Nintendo, and Gummi Bears, I would land on the one show I had been waiting for 6 painfully long days to watch: American Freaking Gladiators. Diamond! Ice! The Atlasphere! That angled treadmill that everyone has trouble getting up during the Eliminator! An hour of glazed eyes and spoonfuls of cereal later, it was back to waiting another 6 days for awesome gladiatoriness. I don't remember much else of my childhood. I think there were siblings and an older couple I think I referred to as "Mom" and/or "Dad", American Gladiators and Cracklin' Oat Bran. That was it.

Time passed. My sister Heather/Heater tried out for Survivor.
survive this, suckas

My niece Emily grew up in a household where Fear Factor was reenacted on a daily basis.
"i eat chocolate covered tomatoes like you for breakfast!"

I myself tried out for "Who Wants to Be a Superhero?" where I got a callback, but willingly gave up my position in the show to marry my hottie boom bottie husband.
i was just doing it for the Monet!

Now, I'm back, filling out the application for The New AG, Season 3 and working on a series of pull-ups to startle the spandex off the judges. It's an addiction. Reality Competition shows forever! I have no intents of stopping. And if American Gladiators doesn't work out? Hmm...think, think:

America's Next Top Model? No. I'm not a model and I don't want to get yelled at by Tyra.
Top Chef? Nyet. I think going a day without burning water is a triumph.
Project Runway? Unless I can use a hot glue gun to sew stuff together, then no.
So You Think You Can Dance? No, I actually can't.
America's Next Most Smartest Model? YIKES.
Iron Chef? "Get Ready For....Battle HOT POCKETS!"

Well, I'll think of something. Any suggestions?


ju said...

how about "who can eat the grossest cereal of all time?" oh wait, you've already won that competition.

K. Marie Criddle said...

Noooo!! Cracklin' Oat Bran is DELICIOUS!

Cheryl and William said...

I think that you need to try out again for the superhero one- that was such a clever video! We love AG as well, even before we knew it was beginning a new season. But, the real question is- what would your gladiator name be???

K. Marie Criddle said...

I've actually put a lot of thought into that, Cheryl (sadly enough) and I think I'd either go for Cubic Zirconium or Slushy, just as a little homage to Diamond and Ice, the far greater gladiatoresses of yesteryear. :)

sachi said...

it took me too long to figure out the monet joke. curse you.